Is the search for a primary love relationship the same as the search for a spiritual teacher?

In a way it is and in a way it isn't. The primary love relationship occupies one of three levels. First, it is a projective relationship in which I unconsciously see myself in the other. Through a dynamic process of exchanging inner objects I enter into a relationship of personal attraction to you, the one who embodies, possesses, and conceals those qualities, both positive and negative, that I do not own in myself. This level of primary love relationship is really a low level psycho-physical love or attachment and its objects are survival, procreation, comfort, and nesting, in any combination.

The second level of primary love relationship concerns growth, inner and outer development, and the predominance of heart feeling and emotion between the two partners. Most people have some awareness now of the development of pop psychology and the availability of ways and means to improve their relationship and grow both as individuals and together. But notably even these ways and means now made freely available do not seem to have improved our ability to stay in relationship and develop through deepening layers of personal intimacy.

Third, the primary love relationship may develop into a partnership with the two individuals in the couple pursuing their own sacred-spiritual paths. The relationship now takes the form of a deep adjunct to spirituality, an alliance of friendly souls, perhaps committed to each other and comprising a powerful loving foundation to healing sadhana and realization in the field of space and time.

Clearly this last level most resembles the relationship with the spiritual teacher. However it is different. We may say that the closest relationship that resembles the teacher-disciple relationship in the human realm is falling in love. But when we say this we only mean that it is like this, not that it is the same.

The essential difference is that a primary love relationship is a relationship between human beings, two individuals attracted and attentive to each other and wanting to be together in one of the three ways I have described.

The spiritual teacher is not a human being, not a personality, and not a character. He or she is a vehicle, a psycho-physical organism surrendered to the transmission of the Divine. No relationship as such exists between the devotee and the teacher. They are One.

This sense of Oneness of course is craved in interpersonal relationships -- craved but also resisted. The merging, when it does occur, actually relates to the birth and early life experience, not to spiritual Oneness. Nonetheless, the confusion we feel means that we mix up the two. But remember one is remedial, backward -looking, and in need of healing, while the other is spiritual in nature, takes great courage, and cannot be faked.

As I often say to seekers, if possible have a therapist who you trust and who knows you well and a close interpersonal relationship. These are the two "big guns." Between these two the process of personal growth and development are accelerated and deepened with great quality and immediacy. Once you have worked through the character and personality defenses and facade, the world of heart-centeredness calls to you and if you are fortunate enough to be with a partner who can join you there you will have a wonderful experience, an unmissable feast of the heart and fulfill the kind of life that most people merely wish for and dream of.

Over and above this, however, the spiritual teacher waits for your earnest engagement, your willing sacrifice, your relinquishing of all that is partial in your life for the All.

To return to your question: there is no search. Neither the loved one nor the spiritual teacher responds to search. Nothing and no one need or should be sought. For you have everything ready. This may not be so apparent in a primary love relationship when it is involved with the passions of loving, loss, and longing, but it can show in the deep experience of home-coming and intense relief when you realize the spiritual teacher is right in front of you... and has always been here, present and welcoming you with the open arms of acceptance and recognition.

BLOG entry #14